I got into my bedroom and made myself comfortable. I turned on my TV and started eating on my bed. I really hate eating in my bedroom but I guess there was no other place where I could be by myself besides outside or in the bathroom which wasn't going to be conducive. As I was sitting there I heard a knock on my door. "Who is it?" I asked. It was Malcolm and he had come to talk to me because he didn't understand why there was so much animosity between us. I told him that I knew about him and Gabriel and asked him to explain to me what exactly was going on. He told me that he and Gabriel started dating long before Sihle came back into the picture but he couldn't break up with Gabriel because he didn't want to hurt his feelings. Malcolm was so obsessed with being the good guy and I guess he didn't realize that sometimes he hurts people more than he intends to by trying so hard to be good. I told Malcolm to do what he believes is the right thing. He then left my room.
Moments later Lincoln came up to my room to ask me if I was okay. "One moment you're setting up a table and next thing you know, you're not even eating on it" he said. I told him that I just felt like being by myself and that he shouldn't worry about me. He then started doing what he normally does when he gets some alone time with me, flirt. When he could see that I wasn't reciprocating, he told me what he always tells me when we're alone only this time he was very emotional. "I know you don't believe me but I am so in love with you, in fact I'm stuck with a girl I'll never love like I do you because society says it's the right thing to do." He said. "And I still say that the day you actually grow a backbone, we probably can have this conversation again and actually get somewhere, otherwise please stop bombarding me with this information, it actually pisses me off!" I said. He was astonished, I don't think he expected that much honesty from me, but I guess this is what I mean when I say you can save a lot of people pain if you just stopped trying to be the good guy.
We worry so much about what our family will say or what our friends will say and sometimes we have reason to, but people learn to accept things as they are. Coming out is a frightening thing to do, it just makes people feel uncomfortable and that is why it is such a gradual process but one thing that we don't realize is that it all starts with us. We know how the situation is, and because we do, we need to realize that it is no longer in control of us.
I went to my bathroom to wash my face and I started thinking about all the secrets that had started to get to me. There was Lincoln whom I believe needed me more than I could actually imagine. Malcolm was cheating on my best friend and I had no idea what a best friend was supposed to do in a situation like that especially because lovers have a way of reconnecting, leaving you looking foolish. Thobile was also up to no good and I was so close to Morithi that it actually felt like she was doing whatever she was doing to me and then there was the big elephant in the room, KG and I. I felt bad almost every day especially when I looked at Lerato and saw how sweet she was. It just haunted me, so much that I felt like the best thing to do was to minus myself from the equation… eternally.
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